Fork in the Road

Everybody gets to a fork in the road moment in their life. What if you get there and could know just how each path would end? Would you chose the path that ends smooth and happy or the one that ends with heartache? Most would choose the smooth and happy, but I will tell you sometimes the path that ends in heartache is the one filled with so much happiness and love that you would short change yourself by not choosing it just because of the ending. Not all endings are happy but it's the story that gets you there that makes the path worthwhile.

Kiss my A$$ Cancer!!!

It's been a long time since I've sat down on wrote anything.  We have been busy with kids sports, school, work and trying to navigate to the new normal.  The stress of living after a clean cancer scan shouldn't be high, but it is and it's an emotional roller coaster.  Most of it is because you want to get back to the old normal and the fact that that can't happen is irritating.  Everything still revolves around the C word or what the C word has done to everyone's life.  It changes the way things are done, when they be be done, limits activities and stays on the back of your mind with every pain or odd body event "Is it back"?  It consumes you faster than a fat kid consumes that hidden candy bar at fat camp.

I knew that one day this stupid cancer would come back and I knew that one day it would take my husband.  What i didn't know is how soon it would happen.  The last 3 months we have lived "free" of cancer.  I say that loosely, because though we had a clean scan I still felt like it was dark cloud over everything.  It still molded our days and caused me to have strong emotions of anger that things just were not the same and fear that they never would be.  I struggled through the 3 months and tried to smack myself and remind myself that at least he is here and God has this and I needed to buck up and go with the flow.  Give it to God and let him give me the peace to go forward and help my husband find the new normal of life.  To enjoy every triumph and relish every moment together.  During that 3 months I sweated the small stuff.  It seemed big, but looking back groceries on the counter seems as big as an ant viewed from an airplane in the sky.

Now I have this awful reality setting in.  We have the reality that only the following words can bring: "The cancer is back".  I thought hearing it the first time was awful, but it doesn't compare to the feelings that run over me this time.  This time it's different because this time there's no treatment, there's no surgery and there's no "we will beat this".  This time there is only that; time.  We have been given an avg of 4-6 months.  We now have to think about the end.  We have to line up how things needs to be, get things in order, and love each other as much as we can during the unknown time we have left.  Only God knows how long I have left to love him here on earth, but I can guarantee one thing I won't sweat the small stuff and I won't dwell on knowing nothing will ever be the same because if I do that I will have wasted the time God has given and I plan on making every minute count.  

Through sickness and in health...it's in our vows

When I married the love of my life nearly 3 years ago we agreed on in sickness and in health.  Everyone says says that and probably thinks that will be an easy one to follow, but I am finding it a battle.  Not that I ever think of leaving my husband, what I mean is it is one of the hardest vows to understand.  Does it mean I stand beside him and help him as he needs me but don't offer any helpful tips?  Does it mean I stand beside him and mother him and make sure he is doing what the doctor's suggest even when he doesn't want to?  Does it mean I stand beside him, support him, sympathize with every pain and uncomfortable time, watch him fall into a depression because he won't make an effort (through the pain) to just go out into public for more than doctor's appointments or church?  Does it mean I stand beside him and MAKE him do everything the doctor's suggest, take all his medicine as needed, make him eat more than toast, worry about the weight loss and force him to use the feeding tube option (which after Tuesday isn't an option anymore), MAKE him go outside and walk even two houses down?  Does it mean I stand beside him and let him do what he feels is comfortable and watch him wither away to nothing on the couch with nothing but the computer and TV as interaction?  There are so many ways to deal with the sickness and I am just not sure what to do anymore.  In all the options I mention standing beside him, because I know beside him is where I am to be, but my duties is where it gets fuzzy.  I think of how he would be with me, but then I think of maybe how I would handle this situation.  As a woman and as a mother, I tend to think that I wouldn't be withering on the couch.  Instead I would be pushing myself and the limits to do what I can with the kids and husband, even though I really feel like sulking on the couch.  My kids and my husband would be my source of life and act as a lifeline for me.  I think it would be hard to not be the active, involved parent and would find it a struggle not to push myself farther than I should.  I can't speak from experience because I haven't been in his shoes and I pray I never am, but I also pray that he is never in my shoes.  The role of a caregiver SUCKS.  You have to be supportive, a cheerleader, a comforter, an ear to listen, a hand to hold, a strong shoulder to lean on, a tongue biter (because not all your ideas and thoughts should be said out loud), a motivator, a translator, a nurse, a researcher, a watchful eye, an investigator and a wife and a mother.  You have to do all this even when you don't think you can.  When your legs are weak and your mind is tired, your body is tired and your heart aches.  My husband is living with cancer and cancer has kidnapped him.  Cancer can suck my big toe!!  I want my husband back and cancer can take a leap of the tallest bridge!

Married to a Turtle

The tough part of being a cancer patients wife is the constant need to be a cheerleader when all you really want to do is breakdown and cry.  The tears do come out but only in private moments and even sometimes out of no where.  The thoughts that go through my head daily are often so random, but often so sad and depressing.  As my husband takes his treatments I am forced to see my Superman become a shell of a man.  He is here, he is alive but it is not really him.  It is not the man that I married or feel in love with.  He is hidden deep inside this shell of a man that takes up residence in our home.  I miss my Superman.  I miss the man that didn't want to sit still, the man that took me places, the man that wanted so much, the man that cooked (never cleaned let's not get crazy), the man that looked at me with loving eyes that were full of life and hope.  So many times recently I have heard the man in shell speak of giving up on these treatments and giving up on the added possibility that this STUPID cancer will go away and stay away.  The man in the shell is afraid.  The man in the shell is not a fighter.  The man in the shell wants nothing to do with this current situation.
I need to break this shell and rescue my Superman that is hidden deep inside.

Finding Normal

Normal is a word that shouldn't be used around me.  It leaves a horrible taste in my mouth.  We are trying to keep some normal for the kids sake, but the truth is normal left the building the day we were told "Yes, it is cancer".  Those words were and still are about as hard to swallow as normal.

I had a good thing going in my life.  I have 3 out of this world kids and have been married to my soul mate for almost 3 years.  We were constantly on the go and always trying to find new and exciting things to do with the kids.  We kept busy.  We ate family dinners, had family walks, played Frisbee, played board games, had Wii competitions (boy are we ALL really competitive) and sat around and talked about random things.  Like really random things.  Sometimes it was all based around what we would buy if everything was a dollar.  Kid 2 loves to ask that question.  "Hey mom, so if that house was $1 would you buy it?".  The Dollar Tree was definitely made for Kid 2.  To think about all the things we have done, seen and been it pisses me off that all of that is on hold until this stupid cancer is gone.

Since the hubby can't help maintain normal for the kids, well not much anyways, it's up to me.  I was a single mom for 2 years, so I am a pro of handling things myself, but when you are used to the hubby being there too; it makes even the normal things you do abnormal.  Tomorrow Oz the Great and Powerful comes out.  The hubby and I have had that on our things to do for 9 months.  Kinda like being pregnant and waiting for the birth of a baby, but without the morning sickness and labor pain.  I have been so excited for this movie, but now he will not be able to go.  I will still be there with my ruby red slippers, yes I do have some, and kid 1.  So, though it will be normal for me to be at an OZ movie; it will be abnormal for my hubby not to be by my side.

So as I struggle with letting go of normal; I try to find and make a new normal.  So far the new normal consists of 5 minute wall sits, and 2 minute plank position with Kids 1, 2, and 3; family dinners (sometimes without the hubby and sometimes with but instead of him being done first he is in competition with Kid 3 on getting done last. She is probably the worlds slowest eater...I should see if there is a Guinness Book of World Records for that; she could totally win.) and me running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.  Sometimes I get a bad enough headache that I wish my head was cut off. 

I know that this is just the beginning.  We still have 22 business days left of this treatment and then we have a break to rest and then 9 more weeks of a stronger Chemo, so this is probably the easiest part of the treatment process.  There is huge mountain ahead, so I foresee normal changing several more times until we finally reach the summit  of this stupid thing called Cancer!

Treatment Day 1:

This is totally from my point of view but here is how day 1 went:

I had decided after our lengthy, uncomfortable conversation the day before that I would just go on with the day like normal.  So in my head I developed a timeline of events for my day, just as I have done in the past.  My timeline was as follows:

6:10 a.m – Wake up Kid A

6:25 a.m – Get back out of bed to get ready for work

6:30 a.m – Wake the other two kiddos

6:40 a.m – Wake the other two kiddos again

7:05 a.m – Tell the kiddos I love them all (making sure they now the love is evenly spread between them J)

7:10 a.m – Wish the hubby luck at treatment and leave for work

7:25 a.m – Swing through Panera for my life saving bagel and unsweet tea with 3 splenda

7:45 a.m  - Start my work day

5:00 p.m – Leave Work

5:20 p.m – Pick up Kid 3 and pay daycare

5:30 p.m – Stop by Trish’s shop to drop off gift card

5:50 p.m – Arrive home for dinner

6:30 p.m – Clean up dinner dishes

6:45 p.m – Homework help

7:15 p.m – Ice Cream or Sweet and Swirly with the family

8:00 p.m – 3 minutes of wall squats with Kid 1 and any other willing participant

8:15 p.m – Treadmill and sit up time

9:00 p.m – Bedtime story for Kid 3

9:20 p.m – Shower for me

9:45 p.m – 50 Shades time

10:30 p.m – Lights out and time for sleep.

Now even I know reality doesn’t allow for a well laid out plan to go off without a hitch, so here is how it really went:

6:10 a.m – Wake up Kid 1

                6:15 a.m – Wake up Kid 1

6:25 a.m – Get back out of bed to get ready for work

6:30 a.m – Wake the other two kiddos

                6:30 a.m – Other kiddos already up, woken up by hubby

6:40 a.m – Wake the other two kiddos again – One less thing to do

7:05 a.m – Tell the kiddos I love them all (making sure they now the love is evenly spread between them J)

7:10 a.m – Wish the hubby luck at treatment and leave for work

7:25 a.m – Swing through Panera for my life saving bagel and unsweet tea with 3 splenda, which they add to the cup before adding the tea so I don’t have to

                7:28 a.m – Arrive at Panera get my bagel, get my tea and am handed 3 splenda packets.  WHAT!?!  I have to add it myself?  Great this is a sign of bad day to come.  At least traffic isn’t bad and the Wally Show on 93.9 Way FM is pretty funny this morning.

7:45 a.m  - Start my work day

4:30 – Work day and not so bad of a day interrupted by upset kiddo 1 that hubby was mean in telling her She was making dinner, tacos, because he wasn’t in the mood to.  I had to remind her that today was day 1 and maybe he wasn’t in the best mood, but assured her all would be fine.  To just continue with making the dinner and I would see her when I got home.

5:00 p.m – Leave Work

5:12 p.m – Leave work.  A little concerned about what is waiting for me at home, but it will be fine.  I blast “Need You Now (How Many Times) by Plumb in the car on repeat.  This song is me and my daily conversation with God in song. Text hubby to test the mood he is in, but no response in 10 minutes, so I call to see if he wants or needs anything before I come home.  He sounds fine and requests a Coke Froster…OK

5:20 p.m – Pick up Kid 3 and pay daycare

5:25 p.m – Arrive to pick up Kid 3.  Drop in the check, someone is there with the door open, so I don’t have to remember what my code is (BONUS) and Kid 3 is happy to see mommy (LOVE).

5:30 p.m – Stop by Trish’s shop to drop off gift card

5:30 p.m – Stop by infamous gas station for the Coke Froster, because that is the kind of wife I am, and they don’t have that flavor at this infamous gas station…WHAT?!? Seriously?  They should get rid of the RazzGrape.  No one likes that one, well no one in my family and at this point that’s all that matters, anyways and replace it with Coke; this would make my journey to Wife of the year easier.

5:32 p.m – Decide where to go to get the Froster.  I mean I’ve already promised that I would get one, so he is at home anticipating the soothing taste and texture of a Coke Froster and by God I won’t let him down.  Then I remember Burger King sells Frozen Cokes and it is right across the road from infamous gas station…YES Jackpot.  Making the journey to Burger King isn’t as easy as I thought.  I cross the road at the light, but there is no turn in for Burger King, instead I have to drive around through a college parking lot and then through the State Police parking lot to get back onto the road I crossed so that I can turn into Burger King that only has one entrance and soon to be discovered exit and it’s not at a light on a busy road….poor planning on this newly remodeled Burger King.  I get the Frozen Coke nonetheless, so my journey to Wife of the Year is still on track.

5:45 p.m – Arrive at Trish’s hair salon to drop off the gift card for her family, since they had that horrible house fire.  To my surprise and delight she is there working, so I talk to her a bit.  It’s nice to see her smile on the outside.  This reminds me that through times of trials the best thing to do is smile, because life does go on.

5:50 p.m – Arrive home for dinner

6:02 p.m – Arrive home for dinner.  Greeted by Kid 2 with; Where have you been? Greeted by Kid 1 with a grunt and greeted by hubby without a word.  Sit down for dinner, us with tacos and peaches and hubby with a bowl of fruit (much better than a bowl of Cheetos J).  We pray, Kid 3 will not let us eat without saying grace and she makes sure to keep track of whose turn it is.  Dinner conversation is limited because there is definite tension between Kid 1 and hubby.  Come to find out the tension is due to their disagreement on Pink Lemonade vs. Yellow Lemonade.  Hubby says it’s exactly the same, but Kid 1 says Pink taste different.  I silently agree with Kid 1 because that’s one conversation I am not willing to take sides on…yet.  Hubby also discusses how there isn’t enough room for extra pitchers.  Then Kid 2 adds in he wants to mix up some Tang.  Hubby snaps back with; Didn’t you hear what I just said.  I quickly change the subject,,,So buddy what book did you get at the book fair,,,,,dinner table talk rescued.

6:23 p.m – Sidebar with Kid 1 regarding her apparent attitude.  It’s really based around the lemonade.  So much for when life gives you lemons make lemonade, this only calls for disagreements at our house.

6:25 p.m – Sidebar with hubby to let him know Kid 1 and him disagree about the flavor and taste of lemonade by color and that’s fine.  Then I voice my opinion that she isn’t the only one that feels this way; that my dad won’t drink yellow but he will pink.  That’s right I throw my dad under the bus, gets the point across without it looking like I’m taking sides…I really see the Wife of the Year trophy coming; just saying.

6:30 p.m – Clean up dinner dishes

6:30 p.m (Holy Cow, I’m back on schedule!!) help Kid 2 finish cleaning up from dinner.  That’s right my 10 yr old jumped in to help out without being asked and was nearly done when I arrived back to the kitchen.

6:45 p.m – Homework help

6:40 p.m – Thanks to Kid 2 homework can start 5 minutes early, Rock On!!  Sit on the living room floor to do Kindergarten homework.  Mind you she hasn’t been to school all week, so we have 4 pages to do and she is a bit hyper.  Not sure why, but this is going to make homework challenging.  We need 4 words that end in ox that you can also draw a picture of.  She gets fox and box…can you think of something else other than lox, which is difficult to explain to a 6 yr old on how to draw.  Kid 2 disagrees with lox because it is spelled locks…well it is but I’m talking lox the food.  Kid 3 asks hubby for help but he snaps; Not right now Kid 3.  His belt is unbuckled and he is in full moan and deep sigh mode….this will also make homework more difficult.  I’m going for normal, so I refuse to ask if he is OK.  Retreat to Kid 2’s room to help with math, which is my favorite so this should be fun.  I think he only asks for my help so that he gets one on one time because he really doesn’t need my help, but oh well I love that he wants time with mom.

7:15 p.m – Ice Cream or Sweet and Swirly with the family

7:25 p.m – Announce; Who wants Sweet and Swirly?  All the kids are like YES but hubby sighs and states No, I’m cutting dairy I really think I’m lactose intolerant. Well Ok, but I’m taking the kids.  The big kids argue over who sits in the front, of course.  I occasionally restrict upfront riding to all, since it seems to cause such an issue but tonight I just say Kid 1 said so first she gets the seat.  Sweet and Swirly is a place everyone agrees on, well except our now lactose intolerant patient.  I do not want anything but 20 minutes of no moaning and deep sighs is AMAZING and much better than frozen yogurt and toppings.  Leaving of course prompts another I get the front seat conversation but I quickly announce Kid 2 gets it.  I win or they both sit in the back…Kid 2 takes the front seat…YES I win!  Have great conversations with the kids on the way home and remind them how lucky they are to have me, which they tell me is true….maybe I’ll win Mom of the Year too?

8:00 p.m – 3 minutes of wall squats with Kid 1 and any other willing participant

8:12 p.m – Remind Kid 3 she needs to get her shower.  Hubby tells Kid 1 and Kid 2 they can fix they Tang or Pink Lemonade, apparently us being away made him rethink his stance on the drink options in the refrigerator.   Kid 1 gets the timer and sets it to 4 minutes…What happened to 3?... Oh well here goes nothing.  Wall squats are a good way to build hamstrings and core and Kid 1 does it at roller derby, so now it is a nightly occurrence for us and whoever wants to join.  Kid 2 joins in but only lasts 1 min 30 sec, Kid 1 and I make the whole 4 minutes….Maybe Fit Mom and Wife and Mom of the year too, man my awards are racking up.  Funny story…Hubby tells me his is going to take paper to his next treatment.  I ask why, thinking it’s because of the 2 hour delay today, but then he lifts his shirt and I see the mapping lines for the radiation and really all I can think of is Christian Grey and Ana’s lipstick outline of touchable areas.

8:15 p.m – Treadmill and sit up time

8:27 p.m – Time for the treadmill and Chicago Fire.  What a yummy show!  It may not be realistic but who cares look at the actors on the show.  They are as hot as the fires they put out.  I get my 30 minutes on the treadmill but not in peace.  Kid 2 needs me again for homework, Kid 3 wants me for anything and Kid 1 needs to ask me a question.  I say to them for the 40 times they come in; Just give me 10 more minutes.  I blame it on the wanting my 2 miles and 10 minutes of sit ups on my exercise ball but really it’s because Chicago Fire is an hour long with commercials and 43 minutes without and I NEED this 43 minutes.

9:00 p.m – Bedtime story for Kid 3

9:20 p.m – Bad mommy, choosing to finish watching hot guys on screen instead of getting the 6 yr old to bed on time, but honestly hubby could’ve taken her and deep down I was hoping that was so…not so much.  We have 2 homework books to read which we are hoping to find words that end in ox but we find none, so I have to resort to a third book.  I, due to my great sense of mom knowledge, select a Dr. Seuss book because of all the books she has I KNOW Dr Seuss speaks ox.  I select Oh Say Can You Say, I quickly discovered that sometimes No, Dr. Seuss I can’t say.  This book has an extreme amount of rhyming phrases, but it makes Kid 3 giggle to hear me stumble as I read.  I LOVE her giggle.  WE find our 4 ox words…Thank You Dr. Seuss, we finish book 3 and give kisses and hugs, argue about who loves who more and then say good night.

9:35 p.m – Check on Kid 1…she wants money.  It’s to go to the mall with a friend for Friday.  Kid 2 took my last $20, so I tell her to ask hubby.  She says; What do I say?  I was thinking exactly what you just asked me….

9:45 p.m – Check on Kid 2.  He still has 13 math problems left, which I find out are for make-up work from being out sick last week that he has had ALL week to complete…calm down mama…  I help him, he actually did need help and add a notch to smart mom of the year…I’m gonna need a shelf for all these awards.

9:20 p.m – Shower for me

10:20 p.m – I let hubby know I’m going to shower, he thought I was already in the shower.  I guess he missed the action of moving from room to room to each kid.  Good news Kid 1 asked for $20 and got $30, yes lemonade crisis is over!!

9:45 p.m – 50 Shades time

10:32 p.m – Hubby escapes to the bathroom after I get done in the shower.  I grab book 3 of 50 Shades, get comfortable, cover up and start to read.  One paragraph in and Hubby is out of the bathroom and looks at me and says You’re already going to bed?;;;Um yeah it’s 45 minutes past my reading time,,,but instead I say Yes, it’s 10:30 I was going to read a little.  Then he says I was going to have you work on my back, the treatment today and the way I have to lay really made that spot on my back hurt.  So because I AM going to win the Wife of the year award I get out of bed, put my book down and take my place on the couch to massage the pain spot on his back….yes I am a GREAT wife!

10:48 p.m – Pain averted for now.  Kiss goodnight and back to bed, but better yet back to 50 Shades.  What an addicting book.  I agree to myself to read one last chapter…which turns to 2 chapters, sometimes I lose against myself.

10:30 p.m – Lights out and time for sleep.

11:18 p.m – Hubby comes in with his pillows and blanket like he is going to sleep in the bed,,,,,YEAH!!  Normal!!! It took all day but I found normal at 11:18 at night as I am now turning off the lights 50 minutes past my planned bedtime as my husband lies beside me.