It's been a long time since I've sat down on wrote anything. We have been busy with kids sports, school, work and trying to navigate to the new normal. The stress of living after a clean cancer scan shouldn't be high, but it is and it's an emotional roller coaster. Most of it is because you want to get back to the old normal and the fact that that can't happen is irritating. Everything still revolves around the C word or what the C word has done to everyone's life. It changes the way things are done, when they be be done, limits activities and stays on the back of your mind with every pain or odd body event "Is it back"? It consumes you faster than a fat kid consumes that hidden candy bar at fat camp.
I knew that one day this stupid cancer would come back and I knew that one day it would take my husband. What i didn't know is how soon it would happen. The last 3 months we have lived "free" of cancer. I say that loosely, because though we had a clean scan I still felt like it was dark cloud over everything. It still molded our days and caused me to have strong emotions of anger that things just were not the same and fear that they never would be. I struggled through the 3 months and tried to smack myself and remind myself that at least he is here and God has this and I needed to buck up and go with the flow. Give it to God and let him give me the peace to go forward and help my husband find the new normal of life. To enjoy every triumph and relish every moment together. During that 3 months I sweated the small stuff. It seemed big, but looking back groceries on the counter seems as big as an ant viewed from an airplane in the sky.
Now I have this awful reality setting in. We have the reality that only the following words can bring: "The cancer is back". I thought hearing it the first time was awful, but it doesn't compare to the feelings that run over me this time. This time it's different because this time there's no treatment, there's no surgery and there's no "we will beat this". This time there is only that; time. We have been given an avg of 4-6 months. We now have to think about the end. We have to line up how things needs to be, get things in order, and love each other as much as we can during the unknown time we have left. Only God knows how long I have left to love him here on earth, but I can guarantee one thing I won't sweat the small stuff and I won't dwell on knowing nothing will ever be the same because if I do that I will have wasted the time God has given and I plan on making every minute count.
